Your seacocks experts understand that you’re winning at this life thing. You’re well-traveled. You have strong opinions on the meat industry and an arsenal of impressive life hacks you picked up while backpacking in Burma.
But there’s always someone out there that’s cooler than you. Like sailors. You’ll never be as cool as a sailor. Here are nine everyday things they’d crush you at without even trying.
1. Parallel parking
I know, I know. You’re great at parallel parking. You should be the president of it. The words three-point turn don’t even exist in your vocabulary. But you’re an amateur.
2. Walking straight when drunk
Your poker face is a farce. We all know how many tequilas you’ve had as soon as you see-saw to the bathroom like a sausage in a pinball machine. Legs don’t lie, unless you’re a sailor.
3. Straightfacing a double entendre
Sailing terminology is (wait for it) an ocean teeming with metaphors, puns, double entendres and that’s-what-she-saids. You can’t think of a boating pun that hasn’t been exhausted. Chuckling at words and phrases like ‘breastlines; cockpit; coming about; and, in need of a tug’ is the sole folly of us landlubbers.
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4. Giving directions
‘Ja, so like take a right by the tree and then pass the school. I think it’s a school. Maybe it’s prison. A few blocks behind that is a road. I can’t remember the name of it but just call me when you’re outside.’ These are not directions.
5. Dressing appropriately
Weather app, shmeather app. Even the best ones resort to some measure of horoscopic hocus pocus and the problem is nobody has built one out of actual human bones. Sailors have bones. They have bones that tingle, crack, wobble and creak.
Don’t fib. The reason you’ve never been open to the idea of bondage isn’t because it’s taboo. It’s because you’re rubbish with ropes. Tying your beau to a bedpost isn’t the same as tying a shoelace. There are safety issues.
7. Pulling an all-nighter
It was the pillar of your tertiary education, but somewhere along the line the insouciance of burning the midnight oil turned to chronic anxiety.
Caffeine is impotent, hardcore drum and bass is discombobulating and even The Panic Monster can’t keep you awake anymore. But sailors are fueled by something stronger than caffeine and panic combined: fear of the unknown.
8. Letting things go
When something falls in the ocean it’s gone forever (unless you’re James Cameron). The only thing to do is forget about it and move on while muttering something profound like ‘It belongs to the ocean now, man.’
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